All the News That's Fit to Stank

Every once in a while, when riding the El, I will see discarded newspapers lying in empty seats. If I happen not to have a copy of the paper with me, nor anything else to read, I will sometimes pick up these discarded papers and read them. Once I've reached my destination, I will usually toss these newspapers into the recycling bin conveniently found at most El stations.

I don't do this anymore. And I never will again. Here's why.

The other night I was riding the Red Line northbound from the Garfield stop after leaving work. The train was mostly empty. I sat in a seat across the aisle from a rather unkempt man, whom I assumed was probably a homeless person. In the seat in front of him there was a copy of that day's New York Times. The man picked up the front section of the paper and began to read. So far, so good, right?

Unfortunately this rather pedantical story takes a turn towards the disgusting right about now. You see, having decided that he had fully satiated his appetite for news articles, op-ed pieces and advertisements, this man began to rub the newspaper all over his face and head, and along the lengths of his exposed arms.

Yes, dear readers, this man seemed to have been bathing himself with the newspaper.

Even more alarming is that, once finished with his newsprint ablutions, this man folded the paper back up and returned it to the seat from which he had taken it only moments before.

Now I know some folks think that the Times is not the best paper in the world. Mostly these are people who are lining up to buy copies of Ann Coulter's latest book. I'm sure these people think this too generous a fate for a copy of the Times, and that those of us who read the Times should worry less about the human crud wiped on the pages as the liberal crap printed thereupon.

That idiocy aside, I think that my pat response of "Ewww!" is appropriate and reasonable.

Therefore I shall not in the future be perusing any copies of any materials left on the train. No newspapers, no pamphlets, not even a business card.