The other night I was walking to church . . .

. . . from Harper Square. (For the uninitiated, this is an open pedestrian walkway/shopping complex in Hyde Park.) I had just eaten dinner with a friend at the Dixie Kitchen and (swear) Bait Shop. My arms were full of packages I'd received from my family via UPS to open up on Christmas Day. My pace was leisurely because I was uncharacteristically running on time, even early, for my choir rehearsal. There was nothing particularly remarkable about this evening, except for this: I was smiling.

I was smiling walking down Harper Ave., still smiling as I turned to walk west along Hyde Park Blvd., and then even as I walked north along Blackstone Ave. I was smiling.

Something changed on Thursday. I don't know what or how or why, but I don't care. It's a good change, and I'll tell you why.

A few months back, when the weather was a bit warmer, I was walking along Ellis Ave. from the zebrafish facility back to my lab. The temperature was pleasant and the sky overcast just enough to allow sun through the clouds without blinding not wearing sunglasses. All in all, it was a perfectly lovely moment in time. I was in a relatively good place with work, I was dating a perfectly nice boy and I was feeling in pretty good health.

Then a voice cried out, "Why you look so upset?" The disembodied voice soon revealed its corporeal form in a (seemingly) homeless man. I could only guess his age as "old" given his weathered face, although I know that living in desperate situations without access to adequate nutrition and healthcare can prematurely age a person. I think a more accurate description would be "older than I".

"If I was as young as you," the man continued, "I sure wouldn't walk around looking so upset."

Wow.

Do I really walk around looking upset? I guess I actually do, or at least I did that day. Shortly after that happened, things got a little rocky with work and in my dating life, as happens. But I let it get me down, and I couldn't shake that guy's voice in my head, "Why you look so upset?"

The sad truth was, I didn't know why, and I still don't.

It would be a lie to say that I've obsessed about this event every day since it happened. But I have been in a funk for a while now, and it's worried me a lot. But something wonderful happened on Thursday. I was walking down the street and smiling, and I wasn't even trying. I didn't consciously say, "Dammit, you're going to smile and have a good time whether you want to or not!" It just happened, and it's happened every day since. It won't be permanent, I know, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. It is precious to me because it's a reminder that in life all things pass, both the good things and the bad. It seems sometimes like there are a lot more of the bad things, but I think that's not really true for most of us. I know upon rational examination that it's not true for me.

So today, on Christmas Day, I'm going to keep smiling. I kept smiling when I opened my "mystery" package from my mother, and it was two seasons of Golden Girls on DVD -- that I already own. I kept smiling when I opened the gift from my friend Kim, a beautiful martini glass-shaped Christmas ornament that was in about four pieces. I kept smiling when I discovered my cat would only play with his expensive new mechanized mouse toy when the motor was turned off, making it about $18 more expensive than it needed to be.

I am going to keep smiling because I have a wonderful family who are enjoying Christmas lunch right now, as I type this, in North Carolina. I can't be with them this year, for the first time in my entire life. But they're all safe and healthy and beautiful. I'm smiling because my friend Elizabeth called me today and I haven't talked to her since last Christmas.

And I'm going to smile because this happened on Christmas Eve many, many years ago:

In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be enrolled. This was the first enrollment, when Quirin'i-us was governor of Syria. And all went to be enrolled, each to his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be enrolled with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to be delivered. And she gave birth to her first-born son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. And in that region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, "Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which will come to all the people; for to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom he is pleased!"

Best wishes for a Merry Christmas!

So Much to Say

It's been a really long time since I've posted anything on here. There are a lot of reasons for my incommunicado state, but one is of ultimate importance.

I'm not ready to share what's going on in my life with the world right now.

Nothing earth-shattering has happened. No one has died, there's been no significant illness, and I'm still employed. And it's certainly not the case that I haven't had anything to write about. Lots of things have happened that are worthy of blog entries -- relationships, football, the start of basketball, the firing of Chuck Amato -- but I'm just not ready to share my thoughts about them. I'm a little too wrapped up in my own issues right now to produce anything thoughtful and worthy of purview by others. I hope that will change in the near future.