Every year on February 14th I wear black to protest Valentine's Day; that, and, black is slimming. I have found it a difficult proposition to be opposed to Valentine's Day without coming across as bitter or jaded. This is made all the more difficult for me since I am unabashedly both bitter and jaded. But neither my bitterness nor my jadedness explains my absolute disdain for Valentine's Day. Why, then, should I be so opposed to such an innocent little holiday? To find out, let's take a little stroll through the dark catacombs of my mind. Oh, but could you take off your shoes first? I've just mopped in here.
Picture adorable little me as a senior in high school. I have my first real girlfriend (if you just fainted, then I heard you hit the ground, and I will find you and smack you across the face.) I'm in a tizzy because, being new to this whole girlfriend thing, I haven't even given the first thought to buying her a Valentine's Day gift. For one thing, Valentine's Day in 1991 was on a Thursday (I didn't remember that; I looked it up) so it should be close enough to the weekend that I get a bye until Friday night, right? Wrong.
Cut to me going out during lunch period to buy a crappy single rose for my girlfriend, and then interrupting her English class -- which was, coincidentally, taught by my English teacher, who was not thrilled that I interrupted her class -- to give my girlfriend said rose. Awkward hug, "Ahhs" and snickers emanating from classmates, etc., etc. At the end of the day, a fairly humiliating experience.
Is this pitiful but otherwise pedestrian little story from my adolesence the real reason I hate Valentine's Day? No. That would be just pathetic. So what's the skinny on why I hate Valentine's Day? You want the truth, the honest, unabashed truth? Well, here it is.
Valentine's Day is hogwash.
Valentine's Day is yet another stolen holiday, meant to lure the pagans away from their polytheistic roots and into the monotheistic Christian fold. (See also: Christmas, Halloween). In Roman times the feast of Lupercalia was celebrated on the ides of February (February 15th). It was a lottery where the boys would draw the name of a girl who would be their "sexual companion" for the next year. In an attempt to rescue the newly minted Christians from this temptation away from chastity, the powers that be decided to celebrate St. Valentinus by turning this misogynistic expression of Roman paternalism into a joyous romantic festival where good little Christians could draw the name of a saint whom they would emulate for the next year, and perhaps, if there was enough time between self-flagellation sessions, make admissions of romantic yet purely asexual love towards other good little Christians (of the opposite sex, of course).
What a crock.
The only purpose that Valentine's Day serves now is to help greeting card retailers, florists and jewelers get into the black a little earlier in the fiscal year. It's not even a Catholic feast day anymore, so I won't even dignify the day with the title of "St. Valentine's Day."
I have experienced (and hated) Valentine's Days with and without romantic partners, so this is not sour grapes about being alone. That being said, Valentine's Day is yet another holiday that places coupled persons on a pedestal and makes it seem even less socially acceptable to be single, although, in fairness, most major holidays do that. One could argue that, unlike other major holidays, the entire premise of Valentine's Day rests on this notion of the supremacy of couplehood, but that is not the thesis I wish to extoll.
At the end of the day, my major vexation with Valentine's Day is that it is all shine and no substance. It has no intrinsic value, and extols no higher value than lustfulness. Don't get me wrong -- a little lust can be a good thing, but I don't think we need a national holiday for it.
So, for everyone who is rushing around buying flowers and jewelry, and who will be waiting for inordinate lengths of time to eat at restaurants that would be half-empty on any other Tuesday evening, I can only say, be thankful that you have been blessed with someone to share this day with. Be sure that February 14th is not the only day out of the year that you do something to show that person how much you care.
Because Sweetest Day is coming up on October 21st, and you'll want to be getting those romantic plans taken care of as soon as possible.
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2 comments:
Now, while I did get Jacob a gift package for V-day, it wouldn't be considered particularly traditional.
Thanks for point out the bogus "christian" angle on this holiday. If only more of the lemmings could be convinced to look at their religious leaders with a bit more intellectual rigor.
So many of our holidays are co-opted from other religions. Of course, with Valentine's Day, we're dealing with a group even more nefarious than the leaders of Christendom.
We're dealing with the Greeting Card Lobby!
I'm scared. Hold me.
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