Racism of Indifference

I went to the grocery store late Thursday night after callback auditions for Chamber Choir to buy a few final items for a dinner party I hosted Friday. Having only a few items in my basket, I decided to use the self-checkout.

As I was waiting for a register to open up, a little boy came up to me and asked me for money to buy some cupcakes. As I am usually averse to giving people money on the street, and as I needed every ounce of cash I had on me, I told him I didn't have anything to give him. When I turned around, I noticed another boy, somewhat older than the first, but still a kid, had gone up to the register to my immediate left. Thinking he was with the girl currently occupying that register, I didn't say anything. I realized quickly that they weren't together, and got a little annoyed at having let this person jump me in line.

Maybe a minute later, the next register opened up. However, before I could move my cart to it, another kid walked up to it, actually walking around my cart. I was tempted to get in front of the kid and let him know that he had jumped me in line -- a fact of which I am sure he was well aware -- and reclaim my proper place at the register. Instead, however, I just walked to the next self-checkout lane and found an available register.

As I was scanning my purchases, I saw that all three of these kids -- the one who asked me for money, and the two who jumped me in line -- were together. I thought to myself at first, these kids are probably hungry, and probably lack any sort of significant parental supervision to be out this late at the grocery store asking folks for money to buy cupcakes. So what they jumped me in line?

But then a more sobering realization came to me. I believe at least part of the reason that I didn't confront either of these kids is because they happened to be African-American, and I allowed that to intimidate me. Essentially, I expected less from these kids because of their race.

Now, don't get me wrong. I normally avoid confrontation, because rarely do I get any satisfaction from taking on people exhibiting rude behavior in public. And despite what many who know me might think, I don't enjoy acting like everyone's mother. But I have a bad suspicion that had these kids been white, and certainly had they been white females, I would have said something to them.

I don't pretend that I don't have any racist tendencies. It's hard to grow up in this society and not learn prejudices against those who are of a different race. But I think I usually do a pretty good job quelling any racist thoughts or ideas I have. I recognize that as a caucasian person of the male persuasion I am afforded a good number of advantages not offered to others because of their race or gender. As an out gay man I do have some understanding of prejudice, but I must admit I rarely encounter discrimination on a personal level.

It bothers me, though, when I allow my own prejudice to bubble to the surface like that. And I don't really believe that these kids being rude had anything to do with their race, other than contributing to what I perceived as their disadvantaged status. The question becomes, what can I learn from this experience, and what can I do better to cope with my own biases?

I guess the first thing to do is to give up and just be everyone's mother. So stop slouching! And did you finish your homework yet? No? Then stop reading this blog right this minute and go do it!

I said now!