Phishing with Better Bait

Dear senders of phishing email:

I have a business proposal for you. You see, like everyone else with an email address, I get a wompload of spam emails, including my fair share of phishing emails. With the certainty of gravity, taxes and death, all phishing emails that I receive share a common flaw. They contain atrocious grammatical, typographical and vocabulary mistakes.

There's an old addage in the world of fishing that says if you want to catch better fish, you have to use better bait. Let me assure you that the following "phishing" email is not good bait.

This actually arrived in my email inbox a few days ago:

Dear Western Union Clients :

We are sorry for invoice. we had some errors in our data , Please update your profile .

You can access your profile at
https://wumt.westernunion.com/asp/regLogin.asp/..

For help please contact Western Union Customer Service immediately

by email at customerservice@westernunion.com  or call us at 1-877-989-3268 .

 

Thank you for using westernunion.com!
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My proposal for you, oh purveyors of internet criminal activity, is to serve you as a consultant -- a grammatical consultant. I am eminently qualified. For one, English is my native tongue, something I'm guessing most of you who send these emails cannot claim. Second, I am known amongst my friends and colleagues as the drama grammar queen. I wield my red pen with wrath and vigor!

Still not sold? As proof of my savvy, notice the improved phishing email posted below:

Dear Western Union Client:

We have recently discovered some errors in our database. To ensure the accuracy of our records, we request that you update your profile by clicking on this link.

If you require further help, please contact Western Union Customer Service by email at customerservice@westernunion.com  or by calling 1-877-989-3268. 

We apologize for any inconvenience, and thank you for using westernunion.com!
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Notice that the email is addressed to only one "client," not multiple "clients," adding that personal touch. Additionally, I removed the awkward space separating the word "clients" from the semicolon. Also, I reduced the font size of the salutation, making the overall letter look more professional.

I have made several changes in grammar and style throughout, including apologizing for "inconvenience" rather than "invoice." Also, it's a big no-no to put the fake web address you've made up and registered with an registrar in a foreign country with no extradition treaty with the United States in the actual email! This is truly a "rookie move." Notice that I have replaced the fakey-fakey web address with a simple link without any overt identification.

Now, this email, I think you will agree, is just begging to bilk some folks out of their hard-earned cash!

Serious inquiries only. I work on retainer and commission, United States currency only.
*DISCLAIMER: A special room in Hell is reserved for people who knowingly and willingly send out spam emails. The room reserved for those who send phishing emails is even smaller, more dank and will be subjected to even more broadcasts of the 700 Club in perpetuity.