Popularity Contest

I've been weighing the pros and cons of doing something recently, going back and forth in my mind, trying to make a decision to go ahead with my plan or to hold off. Without going into what it is I'm thinking about doing, I can relay something that this decision-making experience has forced me ro realize about myself.

I care way too damned much about what other people think, and how others perceive me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think that worrying about what others think about us can be a beneficial thing. Fear of being shamed is part of what motivates us to take our daily (hopefully) baths and brush our teeth and do a little something with our hair before we walk out the door. But fear of what others think should not be a primary factor in making decisions that are, ultimately, personal and private. I never would have thought that I'd become a person who weighs outside perceptions so heavily into personal decisions, but that's exactly who I've become.

And you know what? I don't like it one damned bit.

The question for me becomes, how influential do I want outsiders to be in my personal decisions? How much am I willing to risk the alienation and condemnation of my friends to pursue something that I want to do? How much of my doubt about the wisdom of going forward with something is based on my own prejudice, prejudice that I've allowed my friends to foment within me?

I don't have the answers, just all these lovely questions. I should be used to having all the questions and none of the answers; that's sort of the essence of being a scientist. Eventually I'll come to a decision, and when I do, I hope that I will have had the courage to be honest with myself and will have made the right decision for me, not the right decision for everyone around me. Because, after all, they don't have to live with the consequences of my decision, but I do.